War is Peace - Freedom is Slavery - Ignorance is Strength

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Who Needs a Miracle?

Top White House aides are saying - off the record - that the President's behavior has recently become a matter of concern to those around him.

According to these sources, what began as an unnoticed part of the President's daily jogging routine, has now spread to consume most of his day, and is interfering with his own ability, and the ability of those around him, to conduct their business. Word is, the President is addicted to CHEESY TRANCE!

The President's trance habit apparently began when he discovered a "Trancetopia 2000" mix CD that one of his daughters had left behind on a visit. At first the president would listen to the CD while he was jogging, saying that the "upbeat, happy music, helped him unwind," from the stress of a morning spent listening to grim status updates on Homeland Security, the Iraq War, and the escalating detainee Torture Scandal.

Now, aides say, the President's condition has gotten worse. Not only does the President listen continuously, but he has now reduced himself to listening to only one track - "Toca's Miracle" by Fragma - over and over, on repeat. On top of this, he spends increasing amounts of time wearing nothing but camoflage cargo pants, with no shirt, gyrating around the oval office, claiming to be "practicing his liquid."

Another source, a member of the White House custodial staff who would not be named for fear of losing their job, claimed that about a week ago, the President - apparently inspired by the publicity about Rush Limbaugh's maid - furtively approached them, and asked if they could help him "score," something called "x," which the custodian was not familiar with.

One can only assume that the President was referring to the drug ecstasy, and it is not clear which is more worrying - the President's inneptitude concerning drug slang, or the fact that he may very soon end up in a "cuddle-puddle" with Dick Cheney and Condolezza Rice.

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